My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. You've got the nicest boobs I've seen outside a PGA Tour locker room. Golf is like doing your taxes. The next pint in the clubhouse is on me! Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if youre not good at them. Roy Tin Cup McAvoy, the greatest that never was. In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); Why don't golfers ever eat pie? Answer: Roarin Mcilroy. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. Knock, knock So I got that goin' for me, which is nice. Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? 21. 6. No matter how badly you play, always remember its possible to play even worse. The great champions have all come back from defeat. Sam Snead. You either need to learn to drink or take up golf. Turns out Im not a good scotch drinker. Not just in the game, but that can be applied to life, relationships and ones mindset. Like chess, golf is a game that is forever challenging but can never be conquered. Harvey Penick, 10. Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, Right train, wrong ticket., The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, No sleeper cars on that train either, Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. What did the golfer say after performing yoga? Knock, knock Were done with golf puns and jokes, but well leave you with a bonus the top 10 not actually dirty golf innuendos: What are some of your favorite golf puns? Why dont skeletons play golf? You want some dirty golfing jokes, we got them for you. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole dead on line. Mini Golf Captions. Youre too out-of-shape to play in the church softball league. Ive got some real trouble down here., Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: Whats the matter, John? Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. The battle that raged inside each players head. Always make a total effort, even when the odds are against you. Arnold Palmer, 65. What did the Mormon say to his golfing buddies? He couldnt stop puttzing around! "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." -Lee Trevino "Golf is my profession. All he knows how to play with is Clubs! We share them in our weekly newsletter. Eight. Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? Golf tips are like Aspirin: One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle youll be lucky to survive. Harvey Penick, 17. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I I am Jimmy, clown at heart. What hot new enhancement pill can you use to beef up your game? A hole in one of a kind model. I stepped on a rake.". All through the night they made wild love together. How about you bring two of your friends and we play a foursome? Im the best. Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. The man took a step back from his ball, closed his eyes and said a quick prayer. Achieve more with each and every round you play.Go Premium to et full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. Andrew Barton Paterson, A boss once told me, Colleen, its not about the meeting, its about the scotch after the meeting. Explore our collection of motivational and famous quotes by authors you know and love. Because if you aren't hurt, you're not really trying. What is a golfers favorite bird? Its to move on. Such is the game. What do you getll a blonde at the driving range? The mark of a great player is in his ability to come back. Hey babycan you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose? How many does he do?, Man: Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a468f26f096b5aaed8fdef8efc580f6f" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. "Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. They like cricket better. Hey would you like what you're hiding in your tight jeans to be the 34th ranked golfer in the world because I can make that V-jay sing? the flag cant jump. If a bird sh#ts on your golf cart, do not ever take her golfing again. As you walk down the fairway of life, you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round. Ben Hogan, 25. I have 17 wives, one more and I will have a golf course!. Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result. Tommy Armour, 40. no! Of all the hazards, fear is the worst. Sam Snead, 27. Golfing is a lot like masturbation. -Lee Trevino Just as in life, you are presented with options; its up to you to decide which ones suit you best. Sandra Haynie, 30. I love silly, funny, nerdy, quirky jokes. So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. I prayed that I would react well if I missed. Chi Chi Rodriguez, 44. A bad attitude is worse than a bad swing. Payne Stewart, 48. If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. Jack Lemmon, a true comedian on and off the course. A good golfer has the determination to win and the patience to wait for the breaks. Gary Player, 53. P. G. Wodehouse, The difference between a good golf shot and a bad one is the same as the difference between a beautiful and a plain woman a matter of millimeters. I just got a call my wife has had a life threatening car accident and Im worried I might not make it.. Robert Fuller Murray, The uglier a mans legs are, the better he plays golf. Who taught Elin Nordegren to swing a golf club? What is the difference between Rory McIlroy and Princess Diana? 22. When you hit the cup but dont sink the shot, its called Prom Night. In the Golf of Mexico! Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray. Knock, knock 19th Hole Bonus Quote: While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. There are no absolutes in golf. Joey Adams, A well-hit golf shot is a feeling that goes up the shaft, right through your hands, and into your heart. Try choking donw on the shaft. Go back in time and start playing at a younger age. I give the ball some sweet talk. Enjoy the game, enjoy these best golf jokes. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions. My swing is so bad, I look like a caveman killing his lunch. I, with my lovely Wishian team, gather the expressions, sort them out, organize them with suitable background images, and serve them to you. Nuts! Get in the hole! So, what are your thoughts? / They havent turned up, and I doubt if they will. The guys who come Draw a mental image of where you want it to go and then eliminate everything else from your mind, except how you are going to get the ball into that preferred spot. Sam Snead, 46. Relate what your buddy said after a five-putt, the joke your grandfather made about the ballwasher or your golf junkie pal's philosophy about the parallel between golf and life. The next minute youre painting the Mona Lisa.. "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf Jennifer Wyatt, Muscular freedom is probably more important in golf than in any other sport, but very few players take the trouble to get loosened up. Phyllis Diller, with her outrageous teased hair and housewife caricature stage persona, was a master of delivery and comedic timing. Im a friend and all Im going to do is give it a nice little ride. Sam Snead, 35. Perhaps it's the depth of (often negative) emotion the average golfer feels as a result of the game that inspires him to wax poetic. It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! All the fans are gone! It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the mens tee, please!. He said. "The reason a pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.". Thats incredible. How the heck did that happen? Tahiti. I collected hilarious jokes about golfing; some are very clean and others are like an old golf ball: pretty used and dirty. As in, surf the web, gather knowledge, and share them. Jack Burke, Every golfer worthy of the name should have some acquaintance with the principles of golf course design, not only for the betterment of his game but for his own selfish enjoyment. If I learn that you are a fan of diving - I would suppose that your psychological portrait includes such features as curiosity, patience, and insistence. All of them. So, I'm on the first tee with him. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I cant play it. ~ Victor Hugo. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly. You made an 11 on a Par 3 hole? How many strokes was that? Bobby Darnel, If you want to hook a ball turn both hands toward the right side on the grip or shaft. Check it out now! A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse to play a round of golf together. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, Of course. To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? It's included here because of the hilarious mental image it evokes. I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. After 18 holes, I can barely walk. Toggle Navigation Menu . "If you break 100, watch your golf. Are you a Nike One Platinum ball because I'd like to see you on a T? How you handle failure determines how successful you will be. Muffet McGraw, 26. We have compiled the best list of pick up lines with references to golf style, golf clubs, golf course, and various famous golf celebrity. 9. Weve all been humbled by this game and have learned that a sense of humor can be the most important club in the bag. Hitting the ball well is about thirty percent of it. Ben Hogan, Golf has some drawbacks. Fantastic 4-some. Obviously I'm a man that loves Gatorade and I'd definitely like to raid your gato. Jack Benny, The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight. She can only show you her dirty secrets in private, only with you. Many of these expressions of life, result in taking the form of wishes, quotes, greetings, messages, and captions. THE MATERIAL ON THIS SITE MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED, DISTRIBUTED, TRANSMITTED, CACHED OR OTHERWISE USED, EXCEPT WITH THE PRIOR WRITTEN PERMISSION OF DISCOVERY GOLF, INC. 2023 DISCOVERY GOLF, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 15 very funny (and occasionally inappropriate) golf memes, 17 Awful (But Mostly Funny) Golf Fails from 2013, This new Top Flite commercial is sophomoric, inappropriate, and very funny. ~ Sijin Bt. Playing golf is fun and exciting, but these Short Golf Jokes will make your game enjoyable. Kurt Philip Behm, Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease. If we weren't, we'd take up a less infuriating hobby, like knitting. We have compiled the best list of pick up lines with references to golf style, golf clubs, golf course, and various famous golf celebrity. G.K. Chesterton, I dont like to watch golf on television because I cant stand people who whisper. I've got some good news. Two, be your own person. If you drink, dont drive. 4. Ian Fleming, I drove a golf ball into the air / It fell to earth, I knew not where / For, so swiftly it flew, the sight / Could not follow it in its flight. That means if you click and purchase, I may receive a small commission. If you want to share these funny golf quotes pictures on social media like Fb, Insta, WhatsApp, or Twitter, you can also do that. Because you coming back to my hotel is the only fair way for this evening to go. Brent Musberger, If you break 100, watch your golf. Would you mind being treated like a green that I'm 140 yards away from, holding my pitching wedge with very little wind in any direction? Ben Hogan, I dont play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf, but I feel good. 5. They expect to succeed! The pressure originates in yourself; it builds from doubts. Go to the golf course. Knock, knock The grass is clean, a lawn laundry that wipes away the mud, the insect, the bramble, nettle, and thistle, an Eezy-wipe lawn where nothing of life, dirty and glorious, remains. I tell it that this isnt going to hurt a bit. I asked my caddie what he thought of my game. "I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.". document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. Weve put together a list of our favorite jokes, golf puns, and one-liners you can bust out on the course, the range, or the pub to try and laugh off that 102 you just shot.
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